| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2012|11:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I think I get it. Maybe not that much of the lacking in ability but rather, the lack of fit. You got to truly believe and be passionate about something, not someone trying her luck everywhere.
It probably shows a lack of information and a lack of sense of direction. Even if it is not, you gotta justify. Why. Where. What. Who. How. Those are the questions they are always asking.
You on the other hand, not knowing left or right, black or white is hoping for an opportunity will obviously get none. Starting you off early means they are looking out for commitment. Even if none, at least passion to keep someone in that place for long. Long enough for their investment to get real returns.
I guess the problem is obvious by now. Either you don't know how to position yourself in the right way OR that you really do not know where your heart lies. Either way isn't going to work out at all. You got to either play smart or be smart.
Guess that took a little too long for me to realize?
Now the big question is Apple or Orange?
Apple gives me the rigor I want, the challenge and the life I have always wanted. To be constantly busy. To be facing new challenges every single day. No slack, no time to relax. Work never ends each day.
Yet Orange give me the flexibility to turn myself on and off whenever I want. It gives me the structure to deal with problems with more confidence and motivation. Although it probably does not have the rigor that I needed.
Informed decisions have to be made. or else I am staying status quo. And no, I want to move my fat ass up that ladder.
-I'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 23rd, 2012|07:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
Is this really me getting swayed easily? Or is it failure on my part to convince?
Problem solving skills. Is this what you were talking about?
-i'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2011|09:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I really need to find the balance. This isn't gonna work out, at all.
Yes it's demanding. But you gotta keep it under control.
I'm scared.
- i'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2011|02:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
Is this a result of my stubbornness or unwillingness to accept the fact?
I thought they were wrong. I thought i was an elastic rubber band that is flexible to change along the way. I thought it was worth the investment.
Then, before i even started, i stumbled and proved their theory right. realization, yes.
I thought i was right. they were wrong. Then it turns out that they have worked much more harder than me and any other to be what they are today. Life's tough. Yet i chose to see my life as the toughest. And you can never imagine the amount of guilt and shame that surmounts me now.
I'm adamant to change. yet, i need to. I don't wanna be impure, yet i want to retain my very self.
It isn't a dilemma. There is a way out of this. It's not hard. Just that, it probably doesn't suit me well. It just depends on what i really want.
This isn't about what dreams anymore. it is reality. I have to know what i want, like right now.
I just hope no matter what happens along the way, everyone still knows me as who i am now.
If it's the path i chose, i shall live with it.
- I'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2011|02:33 am] |
Dispel those thoughts. Ward off those evil thoughts. You've come a long way to this stage. No, i'm never going back no.
Even if the whole journey was a farce, there's one thing you have to know - accept yourself.
It is a fact that my wishes weren't granted. It is a fact that everything didn't go according to plan. It is a fact that you, perhaps was not worthy of their sponsorship. But it is also a fact that you made it there, with your own credentials and that you have the support from your family. Just that the source of funds, was probably different. All our paths will be different. They have theirs, you have yours.
Accept it.
Just for a moment, I felt that I have disappointed those who had faith in me (or maybe not. ohwells let's just assume they do). Then again, that's not a yardstick for success. Yes, it's glory. Yes, it's recognition. Yes, it's the pride. But it doesn't mean that 10 years down the road, we'll have that to measure our success. It's not spiteful words. It's a fact.
Their dots connect. While mine takes a detour. But at least, both our destinations are the same. Don't look back. Look forward and embrace my own future.
I need to dispel those thoughts, for real.
Come on, it's time to get a grip on yourself.
-i'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2011|09:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
I really don't know what's in my head sometimes.
I was utterly puzzled with your choice and appalled to learn about your laziness. Probably dollar and cents to you wouldn't matter as much to me. Granted. I don't seem to have a choice anyway now that it is already finalised.
Then the prospect of me succumbing to peer pressure really irritates me. Not that I doubt your first hand experience there. Neither do I doubt your take on the best option to meet our comfort and safety needs. Just that, I felt that it wasn't convincing enough. And you didn't even have the slightest intention to try.
Then, you go on laxing lyrical about your past experiences that took place more than 10 years ago. Now here's the thing. I have a problem, some sort of conflict. Yet, you are going round and round about your own woes. Now tell me, how is that relevant? And most importantly, what is your point?
Logically speaking, you should be offering suggestions, not lamenting about your bad encounters there isn't it? Ok fine, I get your point. You wanted me to know the full consequences of my own choices. Taking the cheaper way out is going to be cheap but tedious and nobody's going to lend you a hand. While taking the more expensive route, it's going to be much more comfortable and faster. Just that you have to be prepared to pay. Fine, can't you simply express it to the point? Why do you have to leave it to others to filter your words for you and tease out what you were trying to say?
Not only does it irritates others with your redundancy but what's worst is your tone. It sounds like you were chastising me, even if you didn't mean it.
Then I gave up. I lost patience in trying to filter what's important from you and leave out the rubbish.
So here's the problem. You, on one hand never could understand why I was getting irritated. And me on the other hand can never understand why can't you talk logically for once.
Then, you didn't want to give up helping me. So you came back with a suggestion. Yes, I get it. I recognise it as an option. Taken. Understood. But do you have to drill it that deep into me until it becomes the ONLY solution and not an option? That is totally going overboard in trying to push things too far isn't it? You said that everyone has their own freedom to do whatever they want to do. But why aren't you giving me that freedom of choice?
That wasn't the end. Then you came in to offer me more options. Appreciated. And you said I should not be complaining but rather, do something about it. Fine, taken.
Is it because I didn't make myself clear enough and showed that I understood everything well? So much so that you had to continue nagging and forcing me to do things when I have my own plans? Can't you stop and think for a moment that i was no longer that little girl 10 years ago? For goodness sake, I have more access to relevant information than you do. So please, give me options and suggestions, but not mandatory instructions, if you even know the difference.
I said we couldn't click. But you harped on the superficial fact that I didn't like talking to you instead of reflecting on why I said it. Don't you find it weird that when I share something with you, you end up telling me a different story that is completely not related? I was on the topic that Singapore has quite a few rich people and i cited an example. Then there you are telling me the security is bad. Link? Are you doubting what I said or are you trying to tell me such stories are fake? Or rather, you are sharing something completely different from mine? Whatever the case, don't you think it's a little too hard for one to understand how you are contributing to the conversation isn't it? So am I wrong to tell you that we can't click?
It's unfortunate enough that we can't really make a decent conversation. It's even annoying that your concerns turn into something pretty overwhelming. So how am I suppose to absorb all these bizzare behaviour of yours?
I'm beginning to realise that I think too fast at times. I see too much ahead of the problem that I start to get irritated over the fact that others aren't thinking as fast as me. Rather, they are still harping at the present which I have already moved on from.
It's not easy to walk up that stage and you know that. The numbers may be big. But the percentage is pretty small on a larger scale if you know what that means. It's a fact that I probably wasn't as talented and well presented. It's also a fact that I probably didn't make utilise my opportunities as well as they did. Somehow, emotions aren't that factual and I really don't understand how it works. Because facts are totally casted one side and feelings start to rule the head. And then, impressions became your directions, releasing weird hormones that made you feel all the ups and downs and what not.
It's time to keep them under control man.
I hate to admit. But i need a urgent change in character. At least, the way I communicate with others. I can't afford to lose out. And I have no more time to waste.
I hate to start with you. Yet, i don't seem to have a choice. Besides, it's a free training for me.
-I'd rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2011|01:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
What on earth is going on? You tell me.
Your ego. your insensitivity. your oblivion. Your obsession. Your addiction. Your reputation. Whatever. What is it.
It sucks to be threatened by you, just like what they predicted. Can't you just wake up to your damned senses. Every single word that spills out of your mouth. Does it even seemed like it made any freaking sense?!
Call yourself an adult. Call me a child. Does your thinking goes along the line of maturity even.
I hate to be saying this. You are making me illogical at the moment. You really are. You are crazy. That's all I can say.
-I'd not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 29th, 2011|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
Screw it, seriously.
Umpteen times. Countless times.
Play with my conscience. play with my mind. Play with the facts. And play with the future.
you guys suck big time. When it comes to money, all of you show your true colours.
Look, i'm grateful for whatever support you have given to me so far. Beyond that, I guess what is left would be pen and paper. I won't run. I won't hide. And you watch it. I'll pay back. Double. Whatever.
Screw it.
What kinda of life seriously.
Asking for it?
It just strengthens my determination to leave, for good.
-i'd rather drown in an abyss of ignorance |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2011|01:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
People thought that it was the root of all evil. But to me now, it is definitely more than that. It's like the center of all topics. It's akin to talking about life and death. So much for defining it as the medium for exchange or purchases. It's indeed, the birth of everything - happiness, dreams, goals and whatever you name it.
I hate to be part of the hunger gang, thirsty for more, never knowing the limits because of the wonders it brings, inter alia all other intangibles. Possibly due to my practical nature, I never seem to place intangibles on equal grounds as tangibles. Or perhaps, i've tried but the satisfaction level just isn't there.
To be honest, I hate my situation. I hate the fact that I even to consider, to calculate, to plan. Because of the scarcity of source. I don't blame them. Rather, I blame the lack of options. When one is stooped so low, there isn't much you can see over the wall. The higher you are, the greater the view and there's where your options open.
And of course, the aggravating factor would be you. Forget about our limited finances. Not only did you fail in your risk assessment but you also failed to do simple math calculations, indirectly cutting off the legs of a ladder. We don't literally fall. But within nights, it just seems that the ladder that we have climbed on is slowly ruined by you. Foundations rocked, wires unscrewed. Thanks to you.
I found myself limited by numbers whenever something runs across my eyes. Pretty, nice, durable etc etc. But there's always a big BUT at the end of the sentence. Because numbers mean everything to me at the moment. And i hate that. I want it to grow. Shoot. Rocket, whatever that depicts a fast upwards movement. I don't like the idea of a decent, honest trickling. It's seriously way too slow, too torturous, too unbearable. It seriously needs a good owner that knows how to grow it, groom it, transform it into something less dormant. It needs to become something that you can lay back and watch it grow. Use it when you need it. When not needed, it'll just continue growing.
Humans grow as years past. So should it. Just that the rate just has to be much faster. Humans grow because cells grow. But you are different. You gotta grow because time waits for no man. You either have to run faster than time or you are perfectly useless. I'm serious.
Materialistic? Whatever you call it.
Others are willing to endure conflicts at workplace, clashes between colleagues because they have the underlying motivation of earning more money. Others are willing to sacrifice sleep and fill up every possible hour they have with work. And what's the underlying motivation? Money again. Some skip meals, buy only the necessary and give up on all types of luxury. What's the underlying motivation too? Money again. So are all these people materialistic too?
No. Because it's simply human nature to keep wanting more. Hence, "never ending wants", thus creating the concept of scarcity.
It's scary. As we grow older, such wants never fails to balloon. When such never ending wants meets scarcity, that's when conflict results. It's scary. If you think about it in numerical terms. It's even scarier when you think on a larger scale. It's no longer a personal affair. But one that affects one's job, one's living, one's life and everything that has been built upon.
That's its power, its importance.
I thought such thoughts were detestable. But not anymore.
-I'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2011|05:23 am] |
I swear, this is the toughest situation of all.
Forget about me thinking that I was pursuing something that didn't belong to me.
It's more about miscommunications, mistrust, misunderstandings.
On one side, it's a total mistrust. On the other hand, it's a total misunderstand.
Worst is when i have my feet stepped on both sides. It makes me hard to balance.
No doubt one of my legs are tied to one side, but that doesn't give me an easier time.
Your habit, your irrationality should be blamed, if i were to say. But then again, I should credit you for supporting me all the way instead.
If i were to express my gratitude, it would be endless. But what can I bring back in return? To you, it may nothing but empty promises. But to me, it's a promise that i'll never forget.
Forget about all the emotional speeches. This is for real. Gone with the old mindset. Begin with the new. Now, it's no longer a matter of choice. You must, and you have to achieve something that you can't settle for anything less. And that is the price you have to pay, no matter what.
But looking at the current situation is what bothers me the most. On one part, i can't help but worry that one day, your excuse would come ringing in my ears. Believing is one thing. But the basis of doing so seems shaky. I really do not want to ponder any further about this believe because if you forsee yourself cutting ties with me, you wouldn't have gone the extra mile to make this happen.
The problem now is no longer how. But a matter of what - what happens later. After receiving so many helping hands to barely reach where I want to be, what should I do to lessen their pain and relief the strain.
I appreciate that all of you are willing to help even. Burden, i agree. When was I not one since day 1.
It sucks to be so near yet so far, seriously. I thought I should be proud of what I have. But that only comes when I truly achieve whatever I wanted, which unfortunately I didn't.
The issue now is no longer to dawn over what has happened but rather, what will happen.
Don't make me despise this reflection of mine anymore.
Please, change.
-I'd rather not drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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