| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|12:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
It's seriously hard to imagine. Very hard.
24 hours multiplied by 10. or probably lesser.
Something heavy weighed me down. But as soon as the plane took off, so did my every single worry and woe.
Sounds like a miracle?
I wonder whether to see if it's a blessing?
Happiness. What are they? Tangible? Intangible? do we bother?
Are we too locked up in the cage? are we really the frogs in the well?
It's hard to decipher sometimes what others are really thinking.
And what I am actually thinking.
Listen to my heart?
What does it say? Does it palpitates just like yours?
I falter. I wonder.
On the periphery.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|12:16 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
It's hard to imagine.
The hole's getting bigger and bigger. I wonder why. Is it a little too ambitious of me?
Something's up there. Something empty. When cold wind blows, it shivers.
Empty?
I'm not expecting anything, i seriously aren't. This is when that barrier breaks and that thin fine line is gone. What is left are strings left hanging. But only one of them is hooked.
Sounds ostensibly correct eh?
If only greediness has never been a sin.
Yesterday, i thought it would be fine.
Yesterday, i looked back and saw how far i have come
Yesterday, i dreaded everything that i have done
Yesterday, my everything was gone
Yesterday, i looked into my future and it looked bleak
Yesterday, i awoke from my broken dreams
Yesterday, i waited for morning to come
Yesterday, i wished there were no today
Yesterday, everything was so wrong
Yesterday, you took my breath away
Yesterday, i embarked on a future i'll never know
And it was only yesterday that i thought about today.
Skies are blue (i hope), the sun shines (i hope). And there goes a long long long runway. Before i lose my foothold. Not long. Just probably another few hours.
-i'd rather drown in an abyss of ignorance |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|02:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | morose | ] |
Hooked, seriously.
Boon or a bane? Both. It's hard not to stare at those piles and piles and avalanche of work. Yet, it's even harder to switch my mind to the "working" mode when the calendar says its november.
Times have changed, indeed.
It took a hard time for me to digest it. I'm easily fooled. How nice to turn me round and round and round.
It's even harder to swallow down the fact that immaturity blood runs in me, even till today.
So what? i mean really, so what there are pleasant things to the eye? Shouldn't the truth and validity of those statements be assessed? What's there to gloat about? How does it even qualify to occupy the limited space in your mind?
It's time to really get a strong foothold of the ground girl.
There's always a bold line between reality and a joke. Wake up from your world of fantasy. It's not as simple as you think.
Far too much, far too long. Changed seemed to be the only word. But the question is: you or me?
You detested the way i casted you aside
I despise you for not self reflecting.
It's hard to filter the whole load of things you said and only take in those that are worth listening.
It works on batteries. even humans have their own form of chemical batteries. it tires people out, i'm afraid.
It tears me apart when at the end of the day, you end up with all pricks and needles shooting right into my head. While all i wanted was some form of encouragement and motivation, telling me that it is worth carrying on.
It's not as if everyone has the same discussion as we do.
There are things where the naked eye cannot see. And it's often a fallacy when you assume that you have seen.
some things are meant to be said. But where's the lock to the door? Patently swallowed by you down your lengthy throat i guess?
All i wanted was your opinion, answers and insights. Not regurgitation of information, where my mind never seemed to lose out to yours.
You said i needed to stop unzipping my mouth towards others. But how?
when talking to you seemed more like a chore?
Would you even understand? What's wrong with sharing with others? everyone needs an outlet. You have yours, why can't i have mine too?
Is it the content that matters so much or is it the people that you cared?
Whatever. To you, nothing seemed right in your eyes, not unless it is vet through by you isn't it?
I'm not slamming the fact that you are concerned and all you wanted was nothing but the best.
But the way you approach me simply irks me out sometimes.
And your overly passionate ideas are a little too hard for me to digest.
I wonder, is it me or is it you?
Probably we are too similar, much too similar that we expect the same things from one another, yet none of us are willing to give in.
Mirror huh? Probably. You said you were hurt.
Let me tell you,
so do I.
Things aren't as narrow and one sided you think. Many things come with reason.
And reason is all that we need.
So there, the string is left hanging in mid air again. Wonder when the tide will rise again.
Don't drown me. I have been treading to stay pathetically just above the water.
Step by step, let's see perhaps.
- i'd rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|01:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
I really do not understand. I can't decipher anything.
Not from your expression, not from your wrinkles, not from your face.
You simply take me on a serious roller coaster ride. One moment you could be as smooth as the railing. The next moment, you take me on a 360 degrees turn.
Whatever. I'm seriously not made up of a bag of beans. It hurts.
Actually, we are twins that never fails to slap each other on the face. Just like how oil and water do not mix. We are just that immiscible.
Its patently hard to sit down and talk over a cup of coffee. Even if we do, that simmering coffee simply scalds my tongue. I don't seem to be able to take it. It is a really clastrophobic cafe.
Its never just once, not twice, not thrice, but umpteen times.
It's hard to doubt your intentions at times.
It's hard to even tell you what's right because everything is wrong to you.
It's hard to tell you to stop because have never stopped what you think is right.
i can't imagine.
So much for all those trepidation, apprehension, tenterhooks and whatnot.
So much for thinking that it actually pays off.
No it doesnt, it freaking doesnt.
- i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|10:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
It startled me.
Everything seemed pretty normal and mundane. It does brighten up your day when surprises pop up from out of the blue.
Its a long road ahead. 5 obstacles to go. Endurance. Agility. Accuracy. And once you get through that hoop. you are safe.
Simplistic. Realistic?
after being a couch potato for these few days. Being an onlooker always brings me new insights.
It just runs in the family. Everyone's heart is locked up in a case. No magical key seemed to be able to open it. Not even by force. Not even by luck or chance. It seemed miserable and trapped. Despondent and despair. Yet, it's just helpless.
Watching him limp into the house arduously. I sat and watched. Something's telling me to stand up and do something. While something just tells me to get on with whatever i was doing.
Its's jumping frantically, waiting to be released from his confinement. Oh wells.
Its cold on the outside. It really is.
Extenuating circumstances. What circumstances? I can't even enumerate and elucidate them.
So what's with the missing puzzle?
Then came obnoxious and irritating bears that certainly do not deserve it.
Sitting at the corner, i could audibly hear those words of Funny vowels shooting out from his mouth like pellets in a gun. No perhaps even faster.
His vocabulary bank seemed rather dry. And the only word that was left dangling was it. And stringing them up, he certainly gave his audience a pretty good present for the ears.
It irks to hear them. It seemed pretty normal when someone lauches into a tirade. But not over some tiles and pictures that you don't get on that square table.
then what's worst. u are echoed by your followers throughout the night.
To acquaint that with that particular gender doesn't seem that fair. But seriously, perhaps, it just runs in the Y chromosomes.
At least for me and the four of us.
Being tacit may seem normal. But it does suffocates someone in one way or another.
I was left in a quandary.
Whether direction really mattered.
- i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|03:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
It seemed kind of odd.
The gap's decreasing. Numbers decreasing. Tension increasing. Yet, its calm waters around me.
Calm before a storm? Perhaps. If only if i'm calm enough.
Been pondering. Prospects. Perspectives. Problems. Possibilities.
If only i have everything within my fingertips and solutions were written black and white, in a long list for me to choose from.
But unfortunately not, there's always something that can't and will never be as easy as ABC. I've learnt that when i was young. Everything starts off from written text. Now, everything evolves into things you can't even see on paper.
Thoughts can be penned down. Requirements recorded and provided. Then comes the dreadful word of choice. Which branches into 2 possibilities. Either you fall into an abyss or you emerge as a happy, smiling person.
And then there are people telling you to follow your heart. If only my heart could decide. Perhaps it palpitates more when i face the correct path? honestly, it palpitates even more when im in between these 2 paths.
It doesn't make me any rational and logical to put myself in other's shoes when i can hardly fit into mine. Twisting and turning was never my forte. when i wished i could stand on my own feet, someone insisted on pulling me with puppet strings. Now that liberation set in, i wished the strings remained attached, for good.
As ages turn double digits, it spelled double trouble. i was anticipating. I still am. but yet, the road looks long and arduous.
other than purely alphabets and numbers, what's there to be recognised? probably nothing else.
even people like me like evidence, written clearly in black and white. Who else works on the notion of beliefs? believing in something may somehow turn out as self deceiving. Just another way of psycho-ing oneself to continue moving up even if you know a dead end is approaching. How sensible eh?
just as i was fretting over numbers on paper, then came numbers with decimals. It was heart wrenching, seriously. Especially when i did my Math, for her.
She doesn't seem to actually feel the pinch. When everyone else around her does. Source of entertainment? I wouldn't disagree. But how entertaining is it to waste your night, your sleeping time away and to only lift your butts off that chair with a hole in your pocket?
Its accumulative. Once bitten, but never twice shy. The hole just gets deeper. and it branches off in all directions. So when does covering that hole seemed that feasible anymore?
But back to question, in times like this, should I be chiding you or should i be helping you? And on what basis? help? not unless you realise your mistakes? but it seemed not. It seriously doesn't make any sense when you named that entertainment, while 3 others named it a chore.
i'm skeptical. oh wells. at least you seemed happier. Trade off? i guess so. or rather, guilty conscience?
we are almost similar. we work on something called self dependence. Once we lose our anchorage, everything else is compromised. How strong headed eh?
After wandering off, reality sets in. facing 5 acronyms, or perhaps 6?
i dont know. Many asked how far i was to the finishing line. What if i say i'm barely seeing it?
Everything seemed pretty obscured. I wonder why.
And just as everything seems weirder and weirder, i'm also losing something called the spirit.
And i seem to be working on never-say-die battery, seriously. sounds ominous. i falter.
there's really not a single string of thought that links everything together. Nothing seems that simple.
i falter.
Even Crystal balls show signs of cracks as the future evolves even more rapidly than ever.
- i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|11:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
It snaps, its snapping, and then, when does it snap?
Numbers, numbers, numbers that starts with the letter F.
I've got a metallic looking, sophisticated number-s. I've got a black round number, i've got colour-changing numbers on me.
So how much are those numbers worth? Materialistic? perhaps.
Now i know. How much numbers meant. how much wonders it can create.
It really makes a distinct difference. It gives him a card, or perhaps a licence in the end. It gives him the right to stay happily in the campus, it gives such a useless person like me to enjoy my 2 years here. It gives me better Letters to appear at the end of each term.
The problem doesn't lie with how are you gonna distribute them. But rather, where to get them
And darn it. Is it that freaking important!
no doubt it is. But it seems to be running low.
Argh. i'm loss for words, totally.
So should i be ignorant? what on earth should i do?
Tell me. Tell me. Tell me that the papers and countless insonmia nights works
Tell me that focusing on what's happening now works.
Tell me that being good works.
Tell me that keeping mum works.
Tell me. Tell me.
I hate this. What can i tell myself?!
- i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2009|04:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
Farcical. Totally.
It's seriously not about words, not about the time that ticks away.
Then?
If only i could answer that.
When the whole room grows quiet, and you hear sounds of scirbblings... what happens next?
No, what happens after that?
Red inked paper. Sad faces. Exclamation marks.
When you don't even know what gives you the green light.
If only everything's as clear as black and white.
But unfortunately, NO.
Just like what draws the line? just a pen and ruler? i thought so. But indubitably no.
It's as if a perfect dream ruined at the last minute. Or when that irritating alarm goes, and the bubble pops. There's always a lifespan to everything, seriously.
So does the process matter or the final destination?
I dont know. i seriously dont know.
nothing stays the same once you open the pandora box. And i always do that with my itchy fingers.
Nothing to dread. It's better off that way. Nobody wishes to be buried under heaps and heaps of unearthed material. At the end of the day, at least you know where you're going.
So what goes on after that? walk slowly back onto the right path? climb up from that hole? scream for help? or remain trap in it? hoping that some kind souls to appear? or rather, wait for another secret door to open?
Come on. wake up. seriously, wake up.
Piles and piles of rubbish is nothing compared to this. just look. Just stare. just think. There's no time to waste.
Its not about being desperate. it's about coming to your senses. Yes.
Being alone doesn't hurt. You have done it, and you can do it. for 7 years. why not the 8th or the 9th year.
I always thought they are there to cushion me. But perhaps not when one goes digging his pockets and other emptying it.
Though im the one benefitting, but where does the happiness lies?
Nothing. Nothing. Cold, cold, cold.
it all amounted to this.
Efficiency, work, productivity.
In exchange?
Nothing.
You gave me time. Time that's only sufficient. Time that is only enough for this much.
This much. How helpful.
How much have i left?
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|05:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Seriously, everything just amounted to this.
I'm tired, seriously.
You have taught me how. But you have never showed me how.
Are there really distinct differences?
Nosey parker, smart alec. whatever you think is suitable. All that it amounted to. I never once felt that it was worth it AT ALL. so much for being your punching bag who deserves nothing better than this.
Seriously, why on earth did you even name someone if you are not even willing to care two hoots about.
So much for being my motivation huh?
So tell me, in your eyes, what am i?
A replacement for him whenever he's not around? A punching bag whenever you are feeling down? Someone to vent your angers on when no one else listens? A total idiot being thrown to the sea whenever something interests you?
yea, total idiot. That's what i am.
There's seriously nothing to talk about. Not about you, not about me. nothing to learn, nothing to communicate. Open that damned door. And thats it.
YOu do what you deem fit. I do what i normally do. Nobody crosses each other's path. That's it. Boundaries in a place where that connection should be boundless.
I freaking hate you.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|11:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
It's boundless.
I used to have a zest of energy for it, perhaps age is catching up on me.
many have already gone through this phase. Yet, i should be counting my blessings that i'm always a few beats slower.
Purpose. motivation. duration. process.
what else?
i know where it leads to. I know which path shines. I know what's right. I know which are forbidden fruits.
But tell me, does it really pays?
pages after pages, time after time.
it's a slippery slope. once those muscles relax and down you go.
- i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2009|03:08 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | morose | ] |
It's clearly a book. No, it's a bait.
Somehow, somewhere, it's written in ink and paper
and somehow, somewhere, my hands are destined to flip to that particular page.
But it doesnt seem tough on my part to read on to carry on with the story
Rather, it's fear.
Stories might distort in the wrong hands.
Stories might never have happy endings.
Stories might have a climax at the wrong point of time.
Mistakes will be made, somehow, somewhere.
Before all these applies, Am i even the lead actress in the story?
i doubt. i dont know.
its seriously perturbing.
Truth doesnt seem that white after all.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2009|11:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
What's wrong.
YOU tell me.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2009|12:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Taken aback. misunderstood. Misused. Mistrust. Mustering the courage to face up to reality.
New life. New surroundings. New impressions. New start - albeit not a smooth sailing one.
When i thought everything was fine, it actually wasn't.
Seemed so smooth on the surface. But you seriously do not know what's boiling underneath.
just like how a mask can work as a really effective facade.
When i thought you could actually see beyond those walls of mine. It seemed like your power is by far, limited.
No, theres not doubt about it. I can't anyway....
I really am wondering what on earth have i been doing. Reflective? Responsive? Responsible?
Or to you, none of those. But rather, recalcitrant?
It's sucking up my time, it seriously is. Have i ever complained? Have i ever produced shoddy work? have i even told you that it isnt worth doing at all?
Wow. are those seriously words of wisdom? or rather, words of insinuation?
For the last thing on earth i'll do, i seemed to be guilty of it. WOW.
when eyes inevitably shut, it only raises a white flag for you to swallow all your assumptions. WOW.
And that for that matter, i must say you have really sharp eyes. Very accurate. Very observant.
Dont mention that word even. Now, it has evolved from an 's' to a 'U'. something that spells unpopular.
Then, just like how digits are added on like beads on a abacus, arrows shot by me seemed a little too sharp.
That i have to seriously blunt it a little just to cushion the impact and to use lesser strength.
Something constructive, alas. i see the light.
Im growing. Not gonna stay confined to my petty world?
Now big question is, what about you?
What's your take?
you seemed to shift your center of gravity more towards the other side. I can hardly see you by my side, seriously. It's hard for me to tell you anything. because i know it only enters one side and comes out, mutated from the other side.
It's hard to please. It's hard to be one.
Look up to their faces. look down to your books. They lie at different ends of the world. In my world, Strings that ties them together seemed patently absent.
I falter.
Can't you give me a little of your faith? Do you even care?
thousand arrows reflected. I'm hurt.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 5th, 2009|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
stare into the mirror.
bold and hard. cold as a rock. still maintaining its balance.
but reflections always says otherwise?
No. step backwards.
NO, i'm moving off.
NO step backwards. off the periphery. oh please.
something in this world starts with a letter p.
words/letters do paint a thousand pictures,
and how thousands words can't paint certain pictures
while a few letters can outline a whole picture.
ironic. but realistic.
days, nights, minutes, seconds.
look through your journey of a thousand miles.
lighted up? diverged? dimmed?
walked. aimlessly. caught at crossroads? both roads diverged. and an abyss lays ahead.
traps surprise you. how unexpected.
no. perhaps a string was tied? or you are merely attracted?
watever. that hole seemed to have carved its name of mine.
come on man. hook on those buckets. cuz the water isn't going to fall like a waterfall. its so gonna be stable.
seriously.
once, twice, thrice.
once. you walk home with a bag full.
thrice. you walk home with a bag emptied.
contradicting? complicated?
welcome to your brand new life experience.
now covered in sand. still looking for stable footing.
or perhaps you will never find one?
just let others trample and mould you to your shape.
isn't that what you have always wanted? be flexible.
yea. really.
pictures that never really told any story.
it seems like a farce.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2009|11:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
It hit me hard. Really hard,
Every single action, every single decision, every minute step i take.
what lies ahead?
Its unsatisfactory to just merely shrug your shoulders and say " i don't know".
because that shows how ignorant you are.
In reality, you can't have everything you want although everyone wants the best of both worlds.
The cold, hard fact is that between 2 paths, you can only choose one.
NO matter how much you teared, how much you struggled.
One body can never split into 2 to take both paths.
I've been walking on the periphery, crumbling and tripping over stones and rocks.
So?
it just shows how weak i am.
Sitting down there with them,all i could do was to stare.
You listen to their goals, you listen to their analysis, you listen to every word they said.
Insightful. thoughtful. logical.
Turn your eyes and look back at yourself. What comes out of your mouth?
What a shame.
i've been rocking back and forth on the couch for far too long.
And all the time, i'm merely swimming on the surface. What lies ahead, what lies beneath, i do not know. neither am i interested to know.
wow. and so much for thinking that ignorance is bliss.
Trapped in a square for far too long, far too long.
Everybody has their own light to guide them, a destination in their minds.
What's mine?
Everyone knows their limitations and their capacity.
what's mine?
Everyone knows where to excel and where to work upon.
what's mine?
In front of every road block, in front of every cliff, all i could do was stare and falter. before all else, cringe at the thought of falling on my knees and lastly blamed foolishly on the fact that you didnt prepare for such a situation.
come on. Expect the unexpected.
It's really frustrating. When everything is just as rigid as stick. Straight and inflexible. But once it breaks, everything's gone.
Gone. Understand the extent of it?
its daunting. so much for telling myself how i will walk bravely to any frontline.
and no one hears my prayers.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|11:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
It seems pretty hard to imagine.
just 3 days and the colours revealed itself.
It was patently obvious who could make it, who couldnt. There was some extent of similarity, but unique at the same time.
So let's think, do you have it?
things can't be rushed. it can't be forced.
Oh yea, if things were that simple?
i really can't imagine anything beyond that. All i thought of all along was to be there, doing everything that i thought was worthwhile. But now, walking that short distance there seemed such a cumbersome and arduous journey.
It's no longer me and my pillars anymore. Nothing's there but an empty space for you to fill up.
Cup's can't be half empty. It should be half full. If not, what's there to prove your worth?
Everything has to change. Stretched. Mutate.
Whatever the case. You know where you should head to.
i falter.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
It fluctuates. Rising and falling like some miniature tide in me.
And then theres this inverted hour glass with coloured sand squeezing through that tiny hole, signaling how time flies. Maybe not even coloured. It's black. Totally black.
i don't know where to start. I totally lost my starting point. Everything ahead seems so blur, so near yet so far. I know the problem has never been any part of my body. Not my tired legs, not my limbs, but something that lies deep within the layers, something so microscopic that it can hardly be seen. And it's seriously malfunctioning.
i'm loosing my grip and my foothold. Tell me why. BUt i'm supposed to search for the answer myself, ain't i? When i thought all was lost, i almost fell down the cliff. No one pushed me. I jumped, on my own accord. But somebody showed me the light. Or what seemed like invisible strings started pulling me back. Since then, i was rocking back and forth on its periphery. And i wonder as time goes by, i seem to be taking a step closer and closer to falling to my death...
So many things. It seemed that i'm always plagued by problems. Or do i seriously deserve it? i seriously don't know what's going on. On a smaller scale, i seem to be the one creating the problems. But on a larger scale, it doesn't seem like the case.
So what. Tell me that i'm insignificant? or i have became the sandbag? punch and kick for all you want. Anyway, i'm used to it. Wow.
I do not know what's running on your mind. I seriously don't. Ignorance is bliss? perhaps? innocence is bliss? perhaps.
BUt looking at everything now, i really do not know what to comment. so many of us, appearing friendly and hardworking and all. And what lies behind those smiles are portraits and portraits of facade, one layer after the next. Give me a reason why you guys aren't peeling it off?
What's there to hide? something hideous? What's there to talk in a secluded corner but not to everyone?
I don't feel involved. I'm being led by the nose, literally. Worst still, i'm all alone in the dark. So much for those invisible bonds revolving around us. They certainly do not match. And they are repelling one another. So how does it work. Break it once, and stick it back the next time? and the whole history repeats itself?
i've seen this right from the start. But i trusted all of you.
But now, i seriously doubt.
Not that i'm in any position to voice my comments. But i guess it's already something that you and me know deep within our hearts and we just choose to ignore.
I feel lost. No sense of direction. Even if there is, its yours, not ours.
And for mine, forget about it. THe paths aren't even laid out, let alone choosing it.
i falter.
Am i suppose to fit into shoes that are patently too big for me or should i recede and continue finding a suitable one?
Or rather, i should just grow bigger and somehow fit into it?
we are all grown ups, we no longer talk and shed crocodile tears.
And that already plants barriers after barriers between me and you.
Forget about my predicament, forget about all the dumbfounded feelings at all. U brought it upon myself. Nothing is fair in this world. If you are there, people will naturally be attracted to you. While if you're nowhere near there, don't even think of being in the spotlight for a mere second.
And i finally understand now. The facts of life. The truths behind lies.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2009|09:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
Something stuck me, really hard on the head today.
I was caught in some narrow looking path that totally obstructed everything in front.
Looking at the big picture, there was something really similar, yet different to me all along.
We had the same goal. An exact same goal. Everybody's striving hard to achieve something big. achieve something for themselves. never mind how tough the process may be, how long the preparation period may be because in the end, you know everything's worth it. wow, what a simple yet profound logic that seemed so long to lie deep within those microscopic cells.
So what is in for me? Have i really see the light after so long? What's that bigger picture of my mind? Everybody seems to have invisible strings attached to them that never fails to draw them to their destination. Where's mine?
I'm just not that thirsty, yet. Really i aren't. Every step in front of me are filled with self planted porcupines. Full of pricks. But imagine if i havent planted it, wouldnt surprises await? Wouldn't i write my own history?
Before falls into place, am i really letting you go?
Forget about the limited places, unlimited wants. Scarcity is a fact in life.
Do you really yearn for a spot there?
Can you take it lying down when you are just planted like a bomb there by someone else?
Can you really just sit there and pretend everything's over? Can you really just swallow your saliva and tell yourself It's just fate toying on you?
Look to your left then.
Is that really a spot that you want to get into to?
Among others, among so many things, why that?
Just like a child crying hard over a soft toy. Is it that adorable?
It's just a feeling of emptiness that i wanted so much to fill it up.
Now turn to your right.
Lay out all your placards. Can you really hold so many of them with just 2 pathetic hands?
it seems heavy. Everything's dropping. Think twice.
Can you sustain for that matter?
If you can, take a step forward.
And if you dare falter, it'll just be another game of snake and ladders.
Down and down you go. Spiral all the way to the never ending abyss.
so now, there's only one direction.
Let everything go, and you are left with really nothing, like what you were, worthless.
worthless. and useless.
come on. Are you that weak?
Is this all that you got?
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2009|01:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
Wake up call, perhaps?
It's hard to describe or decipher those feelings in me but she hit everything with one shot.
Nothing much to be proud of. I'm pretty used to it. I really dont know why i'm so transparent to others but opaque to myself.
Look into the mirror. stare hard. forget about those ripples. Watch for your reflections, your reflections. yea, i can't see myself.
That's what i have been drilling in my mind all the time. all the time.
wait.
i should be launching into a huge tirade. i really should. But i can't.
see the difference?
i'm not internalizing everything. i'm sorry. But i remembered every word you say.
Just imagine.
I'm just like a cloud floating into the sky. once smth bumps onto me, i disperse. And it's hard to integrate back.
So everything's getting smaller and smaller and finally disintegrating in air.
How insignificant huh?
i wonder what's the point, seriously.
Stuck in between. Neither here nor there. Just stuck at square one. Stuck in some kind of barrier which i myself havent even tried breaking free from.
Havent tried. How nice to hear of. seems like i'm quite contented to stay in it?
or i'm already used to it?
i'm getting wobbly. Pretty useless actually.
Whatever comes in my way, let it hit, let it punch, let it kick me. Sustain all the bruises and that's how i get everything over and done with.
you're such a wimp, seriously.
i admit. everything revolves around trepidation, apprehension and what not for you.
you're totally beyond redemption.
wth. swallow it? take it at face value?
what on earth are you? a sponge that absorbs everything but releases nothing?
i really hate you. You totally suck. Because you lost that backbone of yours. You totally lost your meaning in life. Wandering here and there and expecting people to join you in the self pitying club.
Can you have the basic desire to want and achieve something? i'm no difference from a lazy bum that awaits gold coins to fall from the sky. seriously.
words simply can't describe how much i wanted to slap that face, how much i wanted to just get rid of the soul and sent it somewhere for some serious soul searching. Really.
nothing is going to change if i'm just going to lock myself up now.
Brace up. Yea. Brace up.
give me some motivation?
oh yes, just get that hell out of there.
cuz you know you don't belong there any longer.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|11:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
Unexpected. Totally.
happiness? probably. momentarily?
relief? finally.
probably what i had wished for, earlier, without much of a thought.
Probably what i had wanted, if that benefitted me and take off certain load of mine.
BUt it's really comforting to know what she really meant.
At least, i understood where she was coming from. Finally i know where i stood. Yea.
no regrets. i better not anyway.
Many opportunities await. And it's time now to make your decision.
no faltering, please.
-i rather drown in an abyss of ignorance. |
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halfsidedme's journal